raison d'etre
by Masked-Writer-In-Disguise
Summary: SaiSasu. 'There was that feeling again. What had Naruto called it? Protectiveness; possessiveness? What was it and why did he feel it in regards to Sasuke' Bach story to Learning and Comfort. Rated M for later chapters. On Pause; sorry y'all...


_**Masked-Writer-In-Disguise:**__ Hola, mes amis. Como estas? Je très bien! __How do like that: Spench! Yeah! Well anyway. Here's a little something else in the Dawn-verse: more back story to my OTP, SaiSasu. This is just something that came to me one Saturday night a while ago and was being written while I totally ignored my work. Needless to say, that came back to bite me in the butt, so y'all better like this… -threatening glare-_

_Alrighty, in my last post, I told y'all I was writing a Minato/Kushina story for IDespiseTragedy, but I forgot to fill in the title, so here it is: __The Promise and the Threat__ and its currently in the works! Yeah, did you know that there's so much cannon I have to do research? It kinda sucks. It's like writing a research paper, but I've always wondered how Kushina and Minato met, so it makes everything OK, and it helps that I'm a fan of the series. The research paper I'm doing for Lit is much harder to get going; I hate the legal system._

_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own Naruto or Sasuke or Sai. I just like to play with them occasionally; its fun messing with their lives and feelings and I'm probably really evil for saying that… Oh, well._

_**Inspiration:**__ I Bruise Easily-Natasha Bedingfeild and Music Again-Adam Lambert (I don't care if you don't like him; I do, so deal)_

_(Ahahaha, long Author's Note, sorry…)_

&~o~o~o~o~o~o~&

_Raison d'être_

_By: Masked-Writer-In-Disguise_

The apartment was large and cluttered, but roomy at the same time. Previously white walls were covered in ink paintings of every random thing anyone could ever imagine and there were paths winding their way through scraps of drawn on paper and unstretched rolls of canvas and paint brushes and old pallets, tubes of paint and sketch books with almost nonexistent bindings. One spot on the couch was open, but it was otherwise covered with the same contents as the floor. There was a coffee table, but it was covered in stacks of books and CDs and DVDs and newer paint pallets, making it hard to see. The kitchen counters were in much the same condition and it was impossible to guess the original color of the refrigerator.

Music drifted through the air, a heavy rock song, and a lovely baritone voice sang along in perfect tune, a near perfect imitation of the original singer. The owner of the voice was a pale man, nearly as pale as the paper he liked to decorate, and he was naked, holding a paint pallet full of inks of several different consistencies and a bamboo paintbrush. The tip of the brush twirled through one of the black pools and ran along the wall, shading the already outlined painting. He was lost in his work and, therefore, didn't hear the knock at his door, or the one that came after that, or the one after that, but he did hear the next one; it was kinda hard to miss, with its battering-ram-like intensity pounding against the weak wood.

He sighed and turned to the door, pallet and brush still in hand and no thought towards putting on any form of clothing even remotely crossing his mind. Someone was interrupting his work, so they could deal with the consequences. He opened the door and absently blocked the fist meant for the door in the hand holding the paintbrush.

"Naruto, you'll wake the neighbors," the man said to his blond counterpart.

"Sai, you're supposed to put clothes on when you answer the door," the blond replied with a sigh and a pinch of the bridge of his nose.

"You're interrupting me. What do you want?" Sai asked in his expected monotone.

"I need you to keep an eye on Sasuke. I know you're on leave, but Kakashi and I aren't and we have a mission. Granny Tsunade doesn't want him to be alone in case someone stupid gets it into their head to attack him while he's weak and ordered to bed rest. I'd ask anyone else, but its kinda short notice," Naruto motioned behind him and Sai took notice of the pale teen for the first time, looking at him strangely.

"Right now?"

"Yeah, we have to be gone tonight."

"How long?"

"A month, minimum."

"Alright. Have fun. Don't die."

"Are you allowed to have a sense of humor?"

"Probably not by everyone else, but I feel I am entitled to one."

Naruto sighed. "Alright. I gotta go get ready. I'll leave you two alone. Don't kill each other."

"We won't. Shadow will keep us in line."

Naruto looked at Sai with a question mark clearly drawn above his head.

"My evil cat."

"You're leaving me with a madman, dobe."

Just then a little black cat ran out the door, taking her chance to escape. Sai rolled his eyes and simply stepped out the door and to the cat that was busy rapping herself around Naruto's ankles, paying no attention to the fact that he was naked and probably further traumatizing the already traumatized Sasuke. Sai bent over to get the annoyed looking animal and Sasuke hurried into the room; the teen probably didn't want to see anymore than he had to.

"Naruto, meet Shadow," Sai smiled at the cat and tried to hold her squirming self while he juggled the brush and pallet. "She likes you."

"She's pretty cute. I'll see you later," Naruto scratched the cat's ears and turned to leave. "Put some pants on when you go in, 'kay? Sasuke still gets a little freaked out."

Sai grunted in affirmative and walking back in, closing the door with his foot and setting the cat down. Shadow ran quickly over to investigate the new person in her environment.

"I'll be right back. Put your stuff anywhere for now. We'll get you set up later," Sai said, setting his things down on the counter as he passed it on the way to his bedroom.

Sasuke didn't put anything down. In fact, he didn't move; he stood there and looked around nervously. This was a far cry from Naruto's small, clean apartment, which Sasuke hadn't expected because Naruto just seemed like the messy type of person, not the type of person to have an organized bookshelf. Needless to say, the raven was at a loss of what to do in the chaos of an artist's apartment.

And that was how Sai found his unexpected guest, standing right where he'd been left and looking around uncertainly. The artist couldn't help but smile, even if it was small and barely noticeable, it was there and lit up his usually blank, emotionless eyes (he was proud of the expression; Naruto said it was getting better, believable).

"Do you want to see your room?" Sai asked, trying to get Sasuke to relax. He wasn't going to bite him, honest (the artist wasn't into that kind of thing)!

Sasuke's eyes snapped to Sai's face quickly. When he saw Sai, he relaxed and nodded, kicking off his shoes and stepping further into the apartment causing Shadow to leap after him.

"I'll probably end up cleaning this place up, but I'm not used to having company, so I've never bothered. Well, at least, not with my art supplies," Sai turned back to the hallway and led his guest to the surprisingly clean guest room. It was only a simple room; futon, dresser, bookshelf, closet, but Sasuke liked it and he stepped in.

"I can help you, if you want," Sasuke looked at Sai, thankfully clothed, and then back at the room.

"Thanks," Sai smiled. "I'll go get started; you unpack."

Sai left Sasuke alone to do what he needed to and decided to start in the living room. That room, and his bedroom, were the worst.

"Why do I have so much blank paper?" Sai asked the room just as Sasuke walked into it.

"Do you make it a habit to talk to yourself?"

"No, I talk to Shadow, and she usually answers me, but she just wants to sleep right now," the artist gestured to the little black animal stretched out along the top of the couch, looking very much annoyed with the conversation going on around her.

Sasuke immediately jumped in, putting sketchbooks in one pile, painted-on paper in another, blank in a third, and rolls of canvas in a nice pile, pyramid shaped, in front of the various sized wooden frames leaning against the wall. Soon, there were little piles all over the place and all the loose leaf paper had been shoved into a folder, the couch could be seen, and the bookshelves (Sai hadn't even known he'd _had_ bookshelves) were full of the books and CDs and DVDs that's covered the coffee table.

"I like your carpet," Sasuke murmured from his place, spread eagle, on the floor with the little black cat on his stomach.

"I could have sworn I had wood floors. That's what's in my room," Sai replied from the couch.

"You are the most oblivious artist I have ever met."

There were several minutes of comfortable silence before Sasuke broke it, "Which room are we doing next?"

"Kitchen; then my bedroom."

"'Kay, let's get started," but neither of them moved, content to just lay there and stare at the untouched (for now) ceiling.

"We're lazy," Sai deadpanned.

"We are, but the feline has taken up residence on my stomach," Sasuke smiled and scratched her head.

"Yeah, she does that sometimes."

"I like her; she's cute."

"Don't let her fool you; she's a vicious creature.

"Yeah, uh-huh," Sasuke said disbelievingly, his hand continuing its movement through silky fur.

"You say that now, but let's see how well you like her when she attacks your head in the middle of the night."

Sasuke snorted. Neither of them moved, not feeling like finishing what they'd started just yet. Sai wasn't used to cleaning his own apartment and Sasuke was tired from everything that had happened to him in the past few years. His life had been anything but easy, and about half the village was still trying to make him miserable, not letting him forget about his imprisonment or his family's murder. Sai knew the teen would need a shield from everybody outside the door.

Shadow purred and the sun began its descent, painting the generic white walls in rose pink and burnt orange and golden yellow. Sai inhaled deeply and turned his head toward the younger man lying on the floor with his eyes closed, looking entirely at ease in this environment. The artist smile slightly and thought the teen deserved to look like that after his life; losing his family, losing his brother to the 'dark side', being kidnapped by a snake pedophile then being shunned by his village because they thought he left of his own free will.

Sai decided he liked Sasuke like this, and he couldn't understand why Naruto picked on him all the time. It must have something to do with the bond they shared; the blond had tried to explain it once, but Sai really hadn't been able to follow. Maybe he'd be able to understand it better now that he had a better understanding of human social interaction.

"Do want to go have dinner?" Sai asked when Sasuke looked as though he were sleeping. Sasuke 'hmm'ed and turned his head toward the sliding glass doors. "Fine, I'm ordering out. Anything in particular?" Sasuke mumbled something unintelligible. "Alright; ramen. What flavor do you want?" Sasuke mumbled again. "Beef it is." The younger teen groaned and threw his arm over his eyes, making Shadow meow in annoyance.

Sai got up and went to the phone for the ordering out part and Sasuke frowned. Even _Naruto_ couldn't understand what he was saying when he mumbled, but Sai had gotten it on the first try. The arm moved off his eyes and he tilted his head back to squint at the male enigma standing casually by the phone. Maybe he wasn't as bad at reading people as most thought, or maybe he just wasn't bad at reading _Sasuke_ like an open book. Sai took this moment to look at Sasuke and make a face that would put Naruto to shame. The raven laughed and righted his head, staring at the ceiling.

Maybe it would be easier to live with Sai than with Naruto. Sai didn't expect him to be anything like the carefree boy of five he'd used to be before his father had started his training and Naruto had given him his hair cut (the very one he still sported today). Sai didn't expect anything, and maybe he'd get how to help him better than Naruto, not ask him how he was doing, just let him be, hold him when he needed it, not make him talk about anything. Sasuke loved Naruto like a brother and he'd willingly tell him that (if his pride would let him), but the boy was too nosy for his own good.

"Food will be here in roughly half an hour," Sai came back into the living room and sprawled out on the floor next to the raven.

Another thing Sasuke liked about Sai was he didn't feel the need to fill every available silence with meaningless words and conversations. Sasuke liked silence sometimes; other times he needed to be out of his head, but right now wasn't one of those times.

"Thank you for not feeling like you have to fill every silence with conversation," Sasuke mumbled.

Sai turned his head to face the raven and frowned. "Ok, no problem…" Sai was confused now. Sasuke had a habit of doing that to him, ever since he'd met the other teen it's been non-stop confusion all the way. The artist wasn't sure how to deal with it and talking to Naruto just seemed strange right now… and the blond was out of town for at least a month. Kakashi-sensei would have been his second choice, but he was also out of town, and sensei's lover, Iruka, well, Sai didn't know him very well. He guessed he'd just have to figure it out by himself; maybe he'd go to the library tomorrow…?

That all depended on Sasuke and whether or not he was willing to go out in public; Sai knew how it felt to be afraid everyone was going to attack him for no apparent reason. He hadn't liked it then, training in Root; pain and random attacks were status quo to 'keep them on their toes' according to Danzou. Personally, if anyone thought to ask his opinion, Sai thought the man just enjoyed watching them hurt and fail; he couldn't count the number of times he'd been attacked while he was sleeping by fellow members. It'd been hard to learn to sleep with one eye open, but he'd mastered it by now.

Shadow stood up and trotted off to some unknown place, wherever cats like her go to get away from their humans, and a knock sounded at the door, followed by, "Ichiraku's delivery!" Sai groaned and stood up. Had they really been laying there for that long? It didn't seem like that, but one never could tell when they were lost in their own mind. Time seemed to have little meaning there.

The artist grabbed his wallet off the counter and opened the door to the grinning face of the young woman who worked at the ramen stand, suddenly very grateful he'd put some clothes on. Her roaming eyes were annoying enough half naked, much less completely. She said the balance and he handed over the necessary amount, took the ramen and closed the door, trying to act like the staring hadn't affected him.

Sai turned around and found Sasuke watching him with an amused smirk on his face.

"First time dealing with women that find you attractive?" the raven asked, getting off the floor and sitting at the coffee table that also served as Sai's table.

Sai frowned. "That's what that was? She looked like she wanted to eat me…"

"That is the basic gist of it, yes," Sasuke nodded and took the covered bowl Sai handed him with one hand, chopsticks with the other. "You'll get used to it eventually. They've been looking at me like that since I was five."

Sai looked at Sasuke sympathetically (or at least he hoped so; Naruto was usually his model for these things and the blond rarely looked sympathetic), and took his own seat across from the raven. "Yes, that was my first time dealing with someone who thought I was attractive. Sakura just likes to punch me and Ino yells at me… TenTen and Hinata are OK though…"

"Yeah, that sounds about right…"

They lapsed into silence again and ate their food slowly, looking anywhere but at each other. It wasn't really out of awkwardness, but more out of the need to try to make sense of their own thoughts regarding the other. They both confused each other.

"Um… Sasuke-kun, do you mind going to the library tomorrow? There are some things I need to find out…" Sai's voice broke into the room like a whisper through the dark.

"No, I don't mind. It'll probably relieve some of the boredom that I'd been expecting…"

"Ok…" more silence, "Do you have a library card? In case you want to check something out, 'cause I don't have very many books," Sai cast a sideways glance at the bookshelves he hadn't known he'd had (really, when _had_ he gotten those?).

"No, and they won't give me one; Naruto and I tried…" Sasuke glared at the table top and bit down on the ends of his chopsticks.

"If you want something checked out then, bring it to me; I'll get it," Sai frowned, too. He was considered weird by everyone he'd met and they gave _him_ a card; why not one for Sasuke? He needed to get out of his head more than anyone the artist knew. Naruto even had a card, and people still didn't like him for being the Kyuubi vessel; why should Sasuke be different?

There was that feeling again. What had Naruto called it? Protectiveness; possessiveness? What was it and why did he feel it in regards to Sasuke… what did those words mean again? Where was his dictionary?

Sai got up and walked down the hall towards his room; his dictionary should be on his bedside table… Yes, there it was. He picked it up and flipped through the pages until he came to the right words:

**pro·tec·tive [pruh-tek-tiv]**

  /prəˈtɛktɪv/ -adjective

1. Having the quality or function of protecting: a protective covering.

2. Tending to protect.

3. Economics: of, pertaining to, or designed to favor protectionism: protective tariffs.

4. Defensive

**pos·ses·sive [puh-zes-iv]**

  /pəˈzɛsɪv/

-adjective

1. Jealously opposed to the personal independence of, or to any influence other than one's own upon, a child, spouse, etc.

2. Desirous of possessing, esp. excessively so: Young children are so possessive they will not allow others to play with their toys; a possessive lover.

3. Of or pertaining to possession or ownership.

Huh, well that was interesting, Sai thought and closed the dictionary, setting it back where he'd found it. Why did he feel like that about Sasuke? Sai bit his lip a little bit and walked back out the table, sitting down and picking up his chopsticks again. He looked at Sasuke with a slight frown creasing his forehead. What about Sasuke provoked that kind of… reaction in him? Sasuke looked at him a little strangely, but didn't ask any questions, other than:

"Why did you get up?"

"I just had to check something… Did you know you're a confusing person?" Sai said, taking a bite of his ramen and looking Sasuke dead in the eye.

"Naruto may have mentioned it once or twice," Sasuke nodded and looked a little guardedly at Sai.

Sai nodded. "Yes, he told me that, too. He says I'm deeper than people understand, but Sakura yelled at him for saying things that weren't true… she doesn't like me much."

"I think I understand where he's coming from. He's surprisingly insightful sometimes, and Sakura doesn't really like people that insult her," Sasuke replied.

"But she likes Ino," Sai countered with a frown.

"That's a complicated relationship, very much like Naruto's and mine."

"Oh… sisters, then?"

Sasuke looked up at Sai with and alarmed look; then a raised eyebrow. "Yes, like sisters. Why was that your automatic conclusion?"

"Because that's what Naruto called your relationship when he explained it to me."

"When was that?"

"When we were going after you. I asked him why he wanted to get you back so badly, and he said you were like his brother…" Sai paused at Sasuke's face. It was kind of strange looking, like he'd stabbed his leg with a kunai or like someone had stepped on his foot. "Are you OK? You look like you just got stabbed or punched or something. Did I say something wrong?"

"Naruto admitted it?" Sasuke said after a while. "That we were like brothers?"

"Yes." Sai really didn't get how this was so shocking. It was obvious now that he knew about it. "It's very obvious if you know what to look for; I get it now that he told me that. I'd do the same thing for my brother."

"You have a brother?"

"Had… He died a while ago because of a disease when I was seven-ish. I don't really remember much about him. Danzou m- I can't talk about that."

"I'm fine with that," Sasuke smiled. "I don't really want to know about him anyway. I hope he dies."

"Me too," Sai smiled. "He's not a nice person and… that's really all I'm allowed to say."

"Why?"

Sai simply opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue. "Nobody in Root can talk about it or Danzou without going into permanent full body paralysis."

"Well, that's lovely."

"Danzou is nothing if not creative with his punishments."

"Was he buddy-buddy with Orochimaru, by any chance?"

"I'm not sure, but I probably wouldn't be able to tell you anyway."

"Yeah, probably not…" Sasuke trailed off, his mind returning to the dungeon at the mention of the snake sannin.

Sai picked up on the bad feelings and pressed his lips together, looking slightly ashamed at having started the conversation in the first place. Sasuke whispered, "It's ok. I'm fine."

"Do you want to watch a movie or go to bed or… something?" Sai asked quietly, trying to get the Sasuke he liked back. Apparently Sasuke thought it was funny because he smiled and laughed. Sai didn't understand why he was funny, but he liked it when Sasuke was 'happy', as Naruto called it. So, he'd sit through whatever movie Sasuke picked.

"Movie."

Sai nodded and gathered up the dishes. "You can go pick out a movie; they're on the bookshelf…"

Sasuke nodded and stood up, walking toward indicated shelves while Sai went toward the kitchen, previously the only clean room in the house, barring the counters and fridge surface. He knew better than to leave food to rot and he wasn't as dirty as his apartment appeared; he just had a very complicated filing system… was he allowed to come up with excuses?... he'd have to ask Naruto sometime, or maybe Sasuke.

Sasuke came back into the kitchen with a movie in hand. Sai glanced at it and smiled slightly. He liked that one a lot; very funny (he knew what funny and happy and angry and depressed were; he was still working on the others). During the movie, Sai would ask Sasuke questions about the emotions that the actors portrayed and Sasuke would answer to the best of his ability, Sai nodding while pushing his lips together tightly as he tried to understand what was going on. Human beings were just too confusing, but he was trying. Sai was tired of being hit by Sakura for saying things that were 'unacceptable.' He wasn't good with people, but she didn't have to hurt him.

"Why are you so into emotions?" Sasuke whispered towards the middle of the movie.

"Because I was trained not to feel and now that I can I want to… and I'm tired of being hit by Sakura for being 'socially awkward,'" Sai replied, gesturing quotes on the air around the last words. "She just enjoys hitting me, I think; she doesn't care if I'm 'socially awkward.'"

"No, she wouldn't," Sasuke whispered. "She didn't like Naruto very much, either."

"That's weird. She looks at Naruto like she wants to eat him."

"He's changed a lot; looks much better than when we were thirteen," Sasuke smirked and added, "You tell him I said that and you're dead."

"I won't tell him anything unless I'm drunk," Sai replied. "Naruto has this habit of making me talk when I'm drunk."

"He's like that."

And they fell into silence again and the movie carried on with the occasional question from Sai. When it was over, Sasuke stood up and muttered something about bed and Sai had to agree with him. He stretched and glanced at the painting he hadn't finished and sighed; he'd have to finish it later, possibly tomorrow if Sasuke slept in. If he didn't, Sai'd spend the time with him at the library and finish it at night while the raven was sleeping.

The artist got up and went to his room; today had been exhausting on his emotions and he'd need rest for tomorrow because reading tended to be tiring.

&~o~o~o~o~o~o~&

_**Masked-Writer-In-Disguise:**__ Hello!... again… Well, there you have it. I really need to get some sleep, and I'm not sure if I should be writing this while I'm this tired, but, oh, well. Sleep is highly overrated anyway. Let me know what you think._


End file.
